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“No,” I say sharply, perhaps a little too sharply. “What I mean is…” I take the plunge, I have to. “I like imagining that you’re there… even if you aren’t.” The awful truth, that I’ve known for some time, but which perhaps only now hits me with its fullest force, is that I wouldn’t perform anywhere near as well if I knew he wasn’t there.“I’m glad,” the man says.By now it’s clear to me that he’s nowhere near the thug he looked when he stood there, just inside the French windows that one time. He sounds normal. It’s comforting. The thrill of having him on the line, of hearing his voice, asserts itself. My body starts to tingle. I know I shouldn’t, but I say. “Do you think of me when you’re not… watching?”“I think about you all the time.”This is forward, and dangerous. “And what do you think when you think about me?”There’s a pause. It lasts so long I wonder if he’s hung up, even though I know he hasn’t. “I think about touching you.”He sounds so nervous even though his answer is so. This was turning into much more than an agreement exchanging household chores and sex for room and board and an education. There was no doubt in my mind that I was falling in love with Jeff, a man twice my age.I didn't see any way I could not get hurt here. He was much too good, too sophisticated, too everything for me. There was no way he could fall for a little nothing like me. I'm a part time waitress and a housekeeper for god's sake!I may not be too bright. But I realized that I had better not say anything else like I had earlier. Guys hear the L word and they get scared, especially when they don't feel the same way.I should feel happy tonight, not sad. I need to keep remembering why I'm here.I finally went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning his arms were still around me. He was lying quietly behind me and his eyes were closed. But I could tell he was awake. I snuggled back against him and held his strong arms with my small hands. Before I could stop myself I found myself.
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